Depression is something that most people don't talk about, it's something that we like to pretend doesn't happen. But it does. The statistics are out there for depression, it's not hard to find. Over the past few weeks I've found myself getting more and more depressed. I feel the darkness trying to pull me in, but I am fighting it with every ounce of my being that I can. Last year I met with a doctor who wanted to put me on medication, I declined. I have my own personal reasons for not wishing to take anti-depressants, which I don't feel the need to share. I know that they work wonderfully for some people, but I would just prefer not to take them. One thing that he mentioned was that with my running, it could possibly take the place of and be better then any medication out there. After that I threw myself in to running events, and now that this year is almost over and I am not where I want to be with running - I feel like a failure. I feel like I should be more then I am. Deep down I KNOW that I am awesome. That even my friends doubt me. Hell, I even doubt myself.
After every run that I wasn't as fast as I wanted to be, or I wasn't able to go as far. I want to give up. I wonder what's the point? I keep trying but it doesn't change. This is my self doubt, this is my depression, it grabs on to me and makes me take notice that it's there and doesn't want to go away. It makes me question my self, it makes me feel like everything I am doing is pointless. Running - pointless, School - pointless, Work - pointless, Life - pointless. ( At this point I feel like I should say, I am NOT going to hurt myself in any way - I do not have any thoughts towards that). When I get this way all I want to do is lay in bed, and hide from the world. But I can't. I have to face the world and hope I can make it through the tough days - which I do.
This past Monday was World Suicide Prevention Day, suicide is never the answer, if you feel it is PLEASE call someone. Call anyone. One of women bloggers/writers I follow on twitter (@thebloggess) suffers from depression as well. One of my favorite posts by her on the subject is here. The Fight Goes On . One thing she mentions is - DEPRESSION LIES. The thoughts of pointlessness, the thoughts of failure, THOSE ARE LIES. That is the darkness that is pulling you in. Don't listen to it.
One thing the doctor I met with told me was that the benefits of running will be physical as well as emotional. At first I thought he was a little crazy, how could there be emotional benefits to running? The more I run, the more I am able to work through, the more I am able to get past. I leave it out on the run. I contemplate life changes on the runs (and shared these with my husband after a few runs to gather his opinion). There have been times when I've been running and started crying, I didn't even realize it. Running has become a release for me. Beyond the depression, beyond the self doubts and the darkness, I've found a light that I am trying to grasp on to with both hands, I'm trying my hardest to keep it with me. I've found something that helps me keep going. Most people won't understand, if you don't suffer from depression it's hard to understand, there isn't a way that I can make you understand either.
I've written and deleted this post a few times, talking about depression is hard. Not talking about it is even harder.
